Thursday, February 28, 2008

Blue Delorean

i've been updating my website.

its been a little slow, and there's not much to look at, yet, but its on its way . . .

Friday, February 15, 2008

I Hate Sending Flowers

well . . . maybe thats a bit of an erroneous statement. well . . . maybe not.

i like GIVING flowers. i just dont like SENDING flowers? "But, Mike," you may be inclined to wonder, "what does that mean?"

well, i have tried to send flowers to my lovely financee several times. and, she always loves them. and i feel great! i'm so glad i could brighten her day just a little but blowing some cash on something useless. after all, that is sort of like art, right? at least, according to Victorian philosophers and art critics everywhere (art being a useless item meant to look pretty. . . art for art's sake.)

i am always glad to find out that the flowers actually arrived at the time and place designated. and went to the right person. and brightened her day. and i'm glad i did something "right" (because, lets face it, i'm a a guy, and we gotta do what we can :) ). and i sit back and bask in my own awesomeness, feeling proud, and maybe a little cocky, and then she sends me the picture of the lovely blossoms.

and then i deflate.

why, you ask? i mean, it sounds like everything was nearly perfect, right? well. nearly. except that almost every time i send flowers from an online retailer, they are wrong. sure, Britney is appreciative, and i'm sure she feels all the feelings i would have hoped she would feel from the thought of me sending flowers. but SHE ALWAYS GETS THE WRONG ONES!

but, at least she got flowers, right? i mean, its the thought that counts, right? well . . . . almost.

you see, how can i be sure that she felt as loved as she could have, if she didnt get the flowers i intended. take, for example, exhibit A (or "why i hate FTD"):
notice the little roses in the top right corner. britney got those from me one day, back in , i dont know, septemeber or something. and, you're thinking, whats wrong with those, they seem nice. and sure they are, but notice the big flower dead center in the picture. yeah, thats what she was supposed to have gotten.

whats the problem, right? oh, well, 2 things. for one, the big flowers are Hydrangeas. not roses at all. they delivered flowers that were not even remotely similar. the second problem HYDRANGEAS ARE HER FAVORITE!

so, am i to assume that, though having received some admittedly nice flowers, her emotional response would have been the same as if they had been her actual favorite flowers? and, am i to just be ok with the fact that she got some flowers, even if they weren't the ones i paid for?

way to go FTD. it wasn't even a holiday. how could you screw that up?

they screwed up another order too, but i cant remember what that was. oh, yes i do. at Halloween they had a special orange rose bouquet. so, i thought, i love Britney, and Orange is her favorite color, i'll send her that, since we live far apart, and it would be fun. well, she didnt get Orange roses. she got some crappy little red ones that were already browning when she got them.


yeah, i called them. they gave me, like, a 5% refund. now THAT's customer service. they said it had something to do with their right to substitute an equivalent flower, based on availability or something. well, thats bullshit. if you're advertising a special arrangement, and someone orders that specific one. . . .maybe there's a reason for that. maybe. . .

consider, for example, exhibit B:

these are the flowers that Britney got for valentines.
they're lovely, right? sure. but does that arrangement look like this one?
admittedly, i was a little late this year with my flower ordering. i ordered on wed. (the 13th) for a thursday (the 14th) delivery. however, i found this bouquet on a website, and wanted to send it, it was perfect, i thought. exactly what i was hoping to "say". sadly, the site said it would not be available for a next day delivery. so, i figured that would be the same for all of their flowers, so i navigated to a different site and, to my excitement, found the same bouquet, which COULD be delivered next day!

i ordered a very specific bouquet, with the very specific promise that it could be delivered as i ordered it.

well, i think you get my point by now. . .

i think that flower delivery places take advantage of distance separation to screw people. i dont know the monetary value of the bouquet recieved. i mean, it could have been worth more than the one i ordered, so they felt justified in sending it instead of my intended selection. i probably would never have known, if digital media hadn't made it so easy to share images. but, i didnt want a more expensive bouquet. i wanted the one i ordered.

flowers, to me, have a specific language about them. maybe that is something that has been brainwashed into us by flower companies, but i dont think so. historically, flowers have always had meaning (or here) Red roses for love and passion, pink or yellow Roses for friendship (i guess depending on the time period), Edelweis denoted a real warrior, etc.

these days, flowers have different or no specific meaning at all (is that a societal commentary in and of itself), except for what you give them. if i wanted her to think i didnt know her so well, i'd send her a bouquet of purple flowers (not her favorite color). if i wanted her to think i was cheap and still in middle school, i'd send her a couple of lame carnations. so, for me, when i want to send the girl i love the flowers that she loves the best, by either type or color, i have a reason. and the places that have been claiming to help me in that regard have nearly always let me down. in exchange for ludicrous sums of money.

except for one place in Lindon, UT, that i couldn't locate, and who's URL i thought i had saved. they got it right. and same day delivery to boot. i wish i could plug them. (that would also be a good illustration or, or parallel to my feelings about chain vs. local restaurants. . . interesting. . .)

well, luckily, Britney and i will be in the same place forever soon enough, and i can just BRING her the flowers i intend for her to recieve. then she'll know exactly what i'm trying to "say". maybe :)

but dont give your money to FTD or Orem Floral (i even tried to call Orem Floral on the number they included in my confirmation email, but all i got was fax machine noise. nice one guys.)